Denise and her husband Brian have been fostering with Orange Grove since 2014 and have cared for 20 children.
They’ve fostered siblings, helped prepare children for adoption and supported other foster parents by providing respite care. They are currently fostering a nine-year-old girl long-term, while supporting her older brother, who has recently aged out of care.
Denise shares an honest account of fostering, including the highs and lows, stigma children in care face, and the positive impact fostering has had on her family.
Fostering is a rollercoaster
Since beginning their fostering journey over ten years ago, Denise and Brian have experienced both the challenges and rewards that come with fostering, Denise said: “Fostering is a rollercoaster ride because you have lows, but you also have such big highs."
"When children come into care, they’ve lost everything – their family, their friends, everything they know. In a lot of cases, because they're fostered out of their area, they don't even have their best friend to fall back on.”
"It takes a long time to gain their trust. Why should they trust you? Why should they trust that you'll meet their needs and listen to them? You're a complete stranger. Some children can be with you as long as six months before you actually see the signs that they trust you and believe that you'll meet their needs.”
"When you look back and reflect on the progress a child has made from the moment they first move in to leaving your home, you can really see the difference you've made. It makes the rollercoaster you've been on with them all worthwhile.”
Facing and fighting stigma
The sad fact is that many children in care face stigma, whether it be about their behaviour or their background, which can leave them feeling isolated and left out. On Denise and Brian’s journey, they’ve encountered these issues numerous times, and Denise wants things to change, she said: "I wish that the children we look after were given more of a chance by everybody."
"So often, we've had children in school where other parents won't let their children play with them just because they're looked after. But that doesn't define who the child is inside. Each child is a loving, caring person who just needs the chance to show it.”
"I don't think there's such a thing as a horrible child. I really don't. Sometimes children may have challenging behaviours, but it's a result of their difficult life experiences. Other times, it's because they have neurological differences that haven't been recognised and need support.”
"I think people need to look at children in care as the people they are, not their background or behaviour.”
"When they have support, they are just as capable as anybody else of achieving. We've seen children come such a long way from being completely nonverbal to going on and gaining their GCSEs. They just need somebody to believe in them.”
Relearning to parent therapeutically
Although Denise and Brian have adult children and grandchildren of their own, they had to relearn how to parent therapeutically, Denise said, "I didn’t know a thing about therapeutic parenting before I started fostering."
"You use language that you probably didn’t use with your own children. You have to retrain your brain – your thinking and the way you approach things.”
"I’ve learned that you should always pay attention to each child's triggers – things that might upset them. You know, if you take them to a farm, something might have happened to that child in that sort of environment before, and the smell might trigger something for them.”
"We had a child who used to start humming when they were feeling dysregulated. We'd step in during those early moments to distract them, maybe by getting them a drink. Sometimes that's all it takes to help them regulate, and then you can begin talking to them about what they were getting upset about or what was triggered.”
"You can also teach them how to regulate themselves, like taking a couple of nice, deep breaths in and out when they're feeling dysregulated.”
"When they're adults, they'll still have flashbacks, still get those feelings, and for a split moment in time, they're back to being that insecure, scared child. I think that's why it's so important to help them learn these techniques to cope with those feelings when they happen.”
Fostering is a family affair
For Denise and Brian, fostering is a family experience. Their grandchildren have built strong relationships with the children in their care while learning valuable life lessons and skills such as empathy and emotional intelligence.
Fostering with your own children can have many benefits and Denise said: "I think it's really good for our grandchildren to understand that there are children and young people out there who haven't got the things they've got. It makes them want to help them, it makes them want to be there for them."
“My whole family is very inclusive of them. If they're going to do anything, like have a birthday party, they will always invite our foster children, and we all go on holiday together. It's just natural to them because they see them as part of the family.”
“One of my grandchildren is 13, and when she was about four, she virtually saw one of the children in our care every day. When he was eventually adopted, she was so upset and missed him so much.”
“I made her a little book and put photographs of them together inside. She still has that book right by her bedside and goes through it. She often says, ‘I wonder if he's happy’.”
Magical fostering moments
Many of our foster parents say that one of the most rewarding things about fostering is seeing children overcome their fears and realise what they’re truly capable of. These become the magical fostering moments that they never forget.
Denise shared two of her most magical fostering moments, she said: “One of the little ones played football, but he was put on a team where he didn't know anyone. He'd run up and down the pitch but would never really get involved.”
"But then, this particular game, something just clicked. He took the football the whole length of the pitch and scored his first goal. He burst into tears because it was such a moment for him, and his manager ran onto the pitch, high-fiving him. That’s a moment that will stay with us forever.”
"We also had a little one who used to literally climb up and wrap her legs around my shoulders when we took her swimming because she didn't want to get wet.”
"I remember we were on holiday with her for the first time, and she actually went in one of those baby rings and was in the water by herself. And you know what? From then on, the swimming pool was her favourite place to be.”
Support is everything
When you foster, the support you receive from your fostering agency can make all the difference. Denise shared her experience of fostering with Orange Grove, she said: “Orange Grove has given us amazing support."
"We've been lucky, because we’ve had the same supervising social worker the whole time. Not only has that been good for us, but I think it's also really beneficial for the children, especially when they've been with you for a long time. They see that same familiar face, which gives them a chance to bond and build a rapport.”
"There have been times when we've been able to call our supervising social worker, even over the weekend, and the out-of-hours team has been really supportive. I don’t feel like I have to second-guess myself before calling and asking a question.”
Denise’s advice for prospective foster parents
“I think the most important thing to remember about fostering is that it’s not easy. It’s rewarding, but it’s not easy. Sometimes you can find yourself feeling like you really, really can't do it anymore, so you have to remind yourself how rewarding it is.”
“When you reflect on how far a child has come, it makes you think, ‘No, actually, I can do this. Tomorrow’s another day.”
Are you inspired by Denise's fostering story? To learn more about becoming a foster parent, call our enquiries team on 0800 369 8513, or fill in our online enquiry form, and we'll call you.
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